These are the rules to Silent Football, a most nipple-hardeningly excellent game played by youth throughout the world. It originated in the British Isles as a drinking game, and was eventually brought over to the states and 'detoxified.' The following rules are those with which I am most used to playing. From talking to youth in other regions of the country, I have seen that while the basic concept of the game is the same, details of the rules can vary quite a bit. It may seem like a ridiculous amount to learn in order to play a game, but it's an awesome game, and once one person knows it, they can teach the others much faster. Learn it, play it, get creative.

The point: The point is to cooperatively move an invisible football between all the players, while simultaneously working to screw each other over. Trust me, it'll make sense once you've read the rest of this.

THE CIRCLE:

Silent Football is played sitting in a circle. One of the players is Mr/Ms/Mrs Dictator (Or Dick-tater. Actually, any combination of words meaning 'penis' and 'potato' will suffice. Pecker-spud, Tuber-schlong, or Mr. Long, Hard, and Starchy are some of the many accepted titles). This should be a player with experience in the rules of the game, as well as someone creative, funny, and good at leading games.

The Circle is all that exists in the world of Silent Football. Players within the Circle are not permitted to acknowledge the outside world in any way. This can make the game fun for non-players, who can do about anything in their power to disrupt the concentration of the players.

GAMEPLAY: 

Silent Football is played on two separate "levels." Think of it like a cake with frosting, except the cake is the hard-core football action, and the frosting is made out of being an asshole to other people.

The hard-core, physically demanding football action:

Beginning The GAME:

Gameplay is begun by the Dictator , who says, "a customary tip of the hat," and then customarily tips his hat (real or imagined). All other players echo with, "tip of the hat," and do the same motion. The Dictator then says, "Customary shroooop" (pronounced phonetically), and pantomimes taking a shot of alcohol (a tribute to the game's drinking-game roots). Other players echo with "shroooop," and follow suit with the shot.

Moving The Football:

The Dictator starts with the ball. He may move it in one of the accepted fashions. All players are responsible for knowing who has the ball at all times.

The Zoom:

The Zoom is performed by extending one's arm straight at another player, fist closed, and making eye contact with them. They then have the football.

Refusing The Zoom:

If one Zooms the ball to you, and you don't want it, you may either Shrug the ball (just Shrug), or Shrodem it. To learn how to Shrodem, hold your left arm straight out forward, palm down, hand extended. Then bend at your elbow so that your forearm is parallel to your chest (parallel to a line drawn between your nipples). Take your right arm and put it straight in front of you, palm up. Your left fingertips should be at your right elbow. Bend your right elbow so that your right fingertips touch your forehead. This is a Shrodem. Your angles don't have to be exact, as long as it's recognizable as a Shrodem.

When you use a Shrug or Shrodem after someone Zooms you the ball, the ball is refused. It goes back to whoever sent it. They can send it to someone else, or Shrug or Shrodem it again (Note: YOU CAN"T SHRUG A SHRODEM, AND YOU CAN'T SHRODEM A SHRUG. THIS IS A VERY HEINOUS CRIME.). You can then send it to someone else, or Shrug or Shrodem it. If you refuse the ball again, the other person must send it to someone else. You can never perform an action in Silent Football more than 3 times in a row.

Example:

Bob Zooms to Jane. Jane Shrugs. Bob Shrugs. Jane Shrugs. Bob cannot Shrug a fourth time; that would be a heinous crime, akin to murdering baby Jesus.

The Fwap: The Fwap is another way to move the ball. It consists of slapping one's thigh with the corresponding hand (i.e. right hand on right thigh, left on left). You can slap the thigh 1-3 times. This sends it the same number of spaces to a player's right or left. For example, two slaps on a players right side sends the ball two players to that player's right. One someone has Fwapped to you, you must either Zoom the ball, or Fwap in the same direction they did. The Fwap cannot be refused by a Shrug or Shrodem.

Ok, you're done.

Being A Hard-Core Punk To The Other People:

Say someone screws up while moving the football. Examples might be:
-Zooming when you don't have the ball
-There is absolutely no smiling, laughing, chuckling, giggling, etc.                                                                                  -Fwapping a fourth time, or being the fourth person to Zoom/Fwap/Shrug/etc.
-Not knowing when you have the ball, and doing nothing (delay of game)
-Acknowledging anything outside of the circle. Nothing outside the circle exists, so if you react to it, you are clearly insane, which is a criminal offense.
These are some common ones. Pretty much, any deviation from the rules is criminal.

It is illegal to talk unless called upon. If you observe a player committing a heinous crime (In this game, all crimes are heinous), you may raise your hand. When the Dictator calls on you, you may speak. When speaking, there are a few rules one must follow:

-No personal pronouns. Personal pronouns include I, you, me, they, she, he, them, etc. One must use the title (Mr./Ms./Senor/Sir/Lady) and name of the player being referenced (such as "Mr. Bob").
-Always address the Dictator. Whenever you speak, it should begin with "Mr. Dictator" or the equivalent.
-Respect the Dictator. He is infallible. He cannot make a mistake. If you think you see Mr. Dictator make a mistake, you clearly need glasses or a lobotomy.

Let's suppose that Bob saw Jane Fwap for a fourth time, which is a heinous crime. Here's a possible scenario.

Jane: Fwaps for fourth time
Bob: Raises hand
Dictator: "Yes, Mr. Bob?"
Bob: "Mr. Dictator, Mr. Bob has observed Ms. Jane commit the heinous crime of Fwapping a fourth time."
Dictator: "Mr. Dictator has noticed this as well. Ms. Jane recieves one penance point."

(If there are no further crimes to report (often, a player accidentally uses a pronoun and can be called on it), the Dictator then begins play again with "customary tip of the hat....)

Penance Points:

When Mr. Dictator hears about a crime, he may award penance points to punish the offending player. These are bad. The point of the game is to not end up as the player with the most points. The easiest way to do that is to ensure that other players get more than you, by tattling on them. Mr. Dictator can award as many penance points as he sees fit for any crime. Most crimes usually receive around one. He can be lenient with points for new players, or more vengeful with assholes. Points can be awarded for general idiocy, which is usually self-evident. Points can also be deducted, if Mr. Dictator sees a player do something awesome in the Dictator's eyes. Lastly, Mr. Dictator can choose alternative punishments for players as he sees fit. Players can be made to communicate in different ways (Elizabethan English, interpretive dance, etc.), or play in different ways (such as being forbidden from Shrugging the ball). How the game flows is in the Dictator's hands.

Ending The Game: 

The game is usually played to ten penance points, or whatever the Dictator feels like. Once a player loses, the most common result is for them to be made to leave the room. The other players then discuss an appropriate, creative punishment for that player.